There's an App for That

Isn't it ironic how many forms of communication are available...right at our fingertips? Need to learn a new language....say it with me now....'there's an app for that'. Need to know which species of poisonous frog is indigenous to the Amazon Rain Forrest so you can know for sure that the deep friend frog legs you just ordered from the new Cajun restaurant that you found via your new phone app are indeed....safe to eat? Yes...there's an app for that.

Thank goodness it's Friday. It's date night. My hubby and I will go out to our favorite Mexican Food restaurant and enjoy sitting together, munching on chips and salsa and drinking a margarita. We won't discuss how many calories are in the "Burrito Pablonito". We will, however, talk about how great life is. And we'll be talking to each other. No cell phones allowed on date night. No text messages, no instant messages, no urgent emails that need a reply ASAP.

And when we leave the restaurant we hold hands. Really. We'll drive towards home and, most likely, stop by and pick up some Ben & Jerry's because, well....it's Friday. We'll get home, change into our comfy-cozy (stretchy) veg-out clothes, eat our ice cream and feel way too full. We'll watch a movie and then make our way upstairs and call it a night. We'll crawl under the covers and snuggle up close. Need to remember why you married this guy in the first place? Yeah...there's an app for that. :-)

Earrings? No....Hat? Yes!

REALLY? How is it I can get in bed at night, lay my head on my pillow and only then realize that my earrings are still in my ear? Once that little stick that protrudes through the back of my ear stabs me in the neck I have to sit up, take them out, reach waaaaay over and put them on my night stand. Why can't I feel earrings in my ear? These are the deep mysteries of life that I ponder.

I have never - not once - gotten into bed and said...."DANG IT...I forgot to take my shoes off".

I have yet to step into the shower and say "SHOOT - I forgot to take my clothes off".

The exception, however, is getting into bed with my hat on. Apparently that's a good thing - according to Joe Cocker (all you old dudes sing along with me.....)

Your Can Leave Your Hat On
Baby take off your coat
Real slow
Take off your shoes
I'll take off your shoes
Baby take off your dress
Yes, yes, yes

You can leave your hat on
You can leave your hat on
You can leave your hat on

Excuse me??

I've been MIA - I know. Life got crazy (none of you can relate, I'm sure). Let me correct that....Life IS crazy - otherwise, you are dead. And crazy does NOT equal 'bad' - it just implies change, challenge, decision, fun, friends, family (and if you are the 'crazy' in your family - well...someone has to be so just go with it!).

I recently went to see the movie 'Couple's Retreat' (I love me some Vince Vaughn). One of the greatest lines was when he said to his wife "we don't have a problem....we have a million problems. That's called life". (Excuse me #1 - if I didn't quote that verbatim but you get the gist). His point was that these so called 'problems' are just a part of discovering how you live life together. Cool.

Excuse me #2 (but read that as EXCUSE ME??)- Part of crazy life lately has been the flooding in the city where I live. Our basement took a hit and we had to rip out carpet and are now in the process of repairing the damage (part of the craziness that has caused me to be MIA).

So this guy comes to measure our basement for new carpet and we begin the casual chit-chat about how much damage the floods have done to so many people's homes and business. Then *BAM* - out of no where this guy says "I think it's a call to repentance".

A million thoughts began swimming though my flood-drenched brain as I stood there in total shock at the arrogance and judgment of this stranger who suddenly took the form of a televangelist waving his holier-than-thou words of condemnation.

I literally looked him square it the eye and said "EXCUSE ME?". But for that kind of thinking..no exuse!

Which way does it go?

So...what do you and YOUR mom argue about? Acceptable boyfriends/husbands? How tight is "tight"? Whether or not it's ok to bury your neighbor's body in the back yard?

My mom and and have a running disagreement about which way the toilet paper goes on the roll. Does the paper hang over the roll or under? In case you're wondering whose side to choose - I opt for the lovely, flowing swag effect of over the roll. If you want to side with her, fine.....I'll be happy to give your her phone number but let me warn you....she took my advice and did NOT bury her neighbor's body in the back yard.....and no one has seen hide nor hair of him in 7 years. I'm just sayin'.

Butt (ha...toilet humor) if someone wants to get me this little baby for Christmas or Ground Hog's Day or National Pancake Day I will hang it any way you say!

I showed my SIC and she asked if it's called an I-POT? And as she turned to walk away she said "but if you need to stay in the bathroom long enough to need a docking station for your iPod...you need more fiber. I'm just sayin'.....

Am I on candid camera?

So now I just feel like I'm in an endless cycle of karma. Remember the lizard in my bathroom? Then the post with all the random answers and the accompanying picture of a HORNY TOAD?

Well - you are NOT going to believe this but TODAY I found an actual horny toad. I just arrived in Colorado yesterday and hubby and I went for a walk in the woods today and there it was. The cutest little horny toad ever! I got to show my Yankee husband (no offense meant - it's just that he's skeptical about a lot of stories of my youth)that you really can stroke them between their horns and they fall right asleep! I haven't seen a horny toad in MANY years (don't get nosy and all up in my biz about my age....it's irrelevant - except when I thought I could still wear leggings then apparently it became relevant).

The law of attraction is working overtime for me.

And I mean no disrespect but for those of you who have just recently started following this blog, I will share with you that I wrote a blog months ago asking for the media to Ban Billy Before Breakfast. Said "Billy" was Billy Mays - the famed info-mercial screamer! It was all in jest and simply a reference to how I really wasn't ready for him before my coffee kicked in. Two days after I wrote that...he was dead.

I'm beginning to freak myself out and yet....I'm curious to see what will manifest itself next. If I wake up tomorrow and I'm 5'10" with a killer hot body and long red hair....I'm going to start playing the lottery!!

I WISH!

Uma Thurman I am not. I'm all of 5'2" for starters and that includes the poofy hair.

No....my poison ivy isn't nearly as sexy.

I'm actually thankful that fall weather is approaching so I can wear long sleeves and not look out of place...or guilty - like I did when I was in the 9th grade and wore a turtle neck to bed one sultry Texas summer night in hopes that my dad wouldn't see the **Kiss** mark on my neck. Gross. Parents...they're not very bright...or rarely suspicious of totally incriminating behavior. Or maybe they were just wise enough to not say anything and let me suffer my shame in pools of sweat.

But yeah....I really got poison ivy on my arms. Gross.

And the answer is....

I have SO much in my brain that I want to share but I feel that today is just a day to clear up some questions. The fact is - I was raised in the South (not that the rest of the country doesn't have manner and etiquette) and I was taught that it was impolite to not acknowledge someone when they speak to you. So I said "Yes ma'am", "No ma'am" and "yes sir" quite naturally. (Side note...I found it a bit difficult to say "No Sir" as much as I probably should have but that's another story. You know how it's just so hard to say NO when they.....well, enough about that. *wink wink*. Besides, I think my mom reads this blog.) Besides, I'm just kidding - no, I'm not...yes, I am.

Anyway - Several comments have been in the form of questions. But I read this book called "Blogging with Moxie" and it said that if you actually ANSWER someone's comment then it just lets everyone know you are new to Blogging. And so....I have refrained. And I feel just downright RUDE. Or as my FAVORITE 'girl from the hood', Bon Qui Qui says... "RU"!

**STOP - if you have never seen BON QUI QUI - click on that link NOW. Trust me....it will make your day!!**

So - here ya go:
(1) Yes....it was actually a real live chameleon in my bathroom. SO CUTE! But I wasn't afraid at all because I grew up playing with Horny Toads (see picture)- yes...that's what they were called. I didn't understand until about the 8th grade why boys would laugh when I said "Look...I caught a horny toad". And you could stroke their head right between those little horns and they would fall asleep. A lot of irony going on there now that I'm older and wiser.

(2). I have misunderstood the words to songs many times. Or just the meaning of the words as is referenced in a recent post - HERE. (But if you have to choose between reading an old post or watching Bon Qui Qui...watch Bon Qui Qui) ~ And the reason people don't tell you you're completely messing up the words is that they are RU (and laughing at us behind our backs). :-)

(3) I have strayed from 200+ years of fundamental, exclusionary, arrogant thinking. And I admitted that I didn't have 'total knowledge and understanding' but what I did have was a love for all humanity. I was forced to choose - so I chose Love. Am I at peace with my decision, you ask?? YES MA'AM!!!