I WISH!

Uma Thurman I am not. I'm all of 5'2" for starters and that includes the poofy hair.

No....my poison ivy isn't nearly as sexy.

I'm actually thankful that fall weather is approaching so I can wear long sleeves and not look out of place...or guilty - like I did when I was in the 9th grade and wore a turtle neck to bed one sultry Texas summer night in hopes that my dad wouldn't see the **Kiss** mark on my neck. Gross. Parents...they're not very bright...or rarely suspicious of totally incriminating behavior. Or maybe they were just wise enough to not say anything and let me suffer my shame in pools of sweat.

But yeah....I really got poison ivy on my arms. Gross.

And the answer is....

I have SO much in my brain that I want to share but I feel that today is just a day to clear up some questions. The fact is - I was raised in the South (not that the rest of the country doesn't have manner and etiquette) and I was taught that it was impolite to not acknowledge someone when they speak to you. So I said "Yes ma'am", "No ma'am" and "yes sir" quite naturally. (Side note...I found it a bit difficult to say "No Sir" as much as I probably should have but that's another story. You know how it's just so hard to say NO when they.....well, enough about that. *wink wink*. Besides, I think my mom reads this blog.) Besides, I'm just kidding - no, I'm not...yes, I am.

Anyway - Several comments have been in the form of questions. But I read this book called "Blogging with Moxie" and it said that if you actually ANSWER someone's comment then it just lets everyone know you are new to Blogging. And so....I have refrained. And I feel just downright RUDE. Or as my FAVORITE 'girl from the hood', Bon Qui Qui says... "RU"!

**STOP - if you have never seen BON QUI QUI - click on that link NOW. Trust me....it will make your day!!**

So - here ya go:
(1) Yes....it was actually a real live chameleon in my bathroom. SO CUTE! But I wasn't afraid at all because I grew up playing with Horny Toads (see picture)- yes...that's what they were called. I didn't understand until about the 8th grade why boys would laugh when I said "Look...I caught a horny toad". And you could stroke their head right between those little horns and they would fall asleep. A lot of irony going on there now that I'm older and wiser.

(2). I have misunderstood the words to songs many times. Or just the meaning of the words as is referenced in a recent post - HERE. (But if you have to choose between reading an old post or watching Bon Qui Qui...watch Bon Qui Qui) ~ And the reason people don't tell you you're completely messing up the words is that they are RU (and laughing at us behind our backs). :-)

(3) I have strayed from 200+ years of fundamental, exclusionary, arrogant thinking. And I admitted that I didn't have 'total knowledge and understanding' but what I did have was a love for all humanity. I was forced to choose - so I chose Love. Am I at peace with my decision, you ask?? YES MA'AM!!!

FFF - Karma is in my bathroom

So yesterday I wrote about Karma and now a chameleon shows up in my bathroom. Confused? Then you are too young to remember Boy George unless, of course, you watched "The Wedding Singer" in which case you got to see a guy who imitated Boy George...and that was probably all anyone really needs to know about Boy George. Except that he was famous for a song called Karma Chameleon.

Coincidence?? You tell me!

A Girl Gone Astray

I guess I didn't really go 'astray' because D{dot}C gives this definition of the word 'astray': away from that which is right; into error, confusion, or undesirable action or thought . I strayed off the path that I had walked for much of my life where I had be taught the exclusive RIGHT WAY existed. This happened when I began to think for myself and say "HEY....that doesn't sound right".

No.....strayed isn't really an accurate description either. More like 'shoved off the side of the cliff next to the path I had been walking". Yeah...more like that.

Did you ever read the children's book "The Emperor's New Clothes"? I suppose exposing the NAKED TRUTH is a sure fire way to get "DAS BOOT". Ouch!

I know this is kind of a deep subject for a Thursday when my mind is thinking thoughts like "YEAH....The Office and 30 Rock come on tonight" but I saw this brilliant bumper sticker and I thought YES....that's what I'm talkin' about!!

To quote one of my favorite Hippies - I've been smiling lately, dreaming about the world as one. And I believe it could be someday it's going to come. ~ Cat Stevens

Go astray - you'll enjoy the journey a lot more!

What language do you speak?

I speak Movie - my native dialect is mainly "movie" but I picked up some TV slang along the way. Like "How You Doin'?"....I picked that up from Wendy Williams, whom I had never even heard of until I was watching "The Soup". I get my news from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and I get my Hollywood gossip fix from The Soup. Joel McHale from The Soup L-O-V-E-S to slam Wendy Williams relentlessly so I thought I would at least check out her show to see if she is, indeed, as bizarre as Joel makes her out to be. She is. And yet...I find myself slchlepping her suddenly famous phrase around all day.

"How you doin'?" I ask the my husband first thing in the morning. He looks at me like I'm speaking a foreign language. The words he gets....the body move and the accent? Not so much. He makes no comment but assumes I'm speaking "Movie". And I don't bother to explain.

I tell him I've made our airline reservations for our trip next week. I ask 'what extra items do we need to pack for this trip'? He says, in his Al Pacino voice "take the gun, leave the cannoli". We have a few seconds of akward starring at which I point I realize....he also speaks 'movie'. All men speak 'Godfather'.

It's kind of sexy. So I 'make him an offer he can't refuse'. And we both speak THAT language quite fluently!

FFF - FAINT!

So my husband says to me....."Oh shoot - the nosey neighbors are here and want us to participate in the neighborhood beautification day.....I think that crazy chick with the bowl cut hair has a chain saw with my name on it. Quick, pretend like you've fainted."

Hey - we have a bear-skin rug!! Someone's getting lucky tonight....and it's not the dude starring through the window! Seriously....I've got to learn to shut the curtains!

Life is Uncertain.......

I think it's time for me to, as Ricky Ricardo said.... 'splain myself Lucy!

I believe the past has no power over the present.
I believe that "what you think about....comes about".
I believe you create your own reality.
I begin each day with a positive thought and a moment of gratitude.
I believe the Beatles were right when they said "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make".
I believe that giving truly is better than receiving (except for my birthday then I tend to forget that for about a week.)

So - for someone who is all about the 'power of positive thinking' and living in THIS PRESENT MOMENT....it might sound like the statement "Life is Uncertain" is kind of a downer, negative outlook.

To me it says "life each moment to the fullest". The only certainty any of us have is very moment we are living. So instead of living in the future...."when I've lost these 20 pounds then I'll allow myself to enjoy a tiny brownie"....."when I'm more established in my career then I'll have more free time to spend with my husband/wife/parents/children"....."when I'm rich then I'll be more giving"
Garth Brooks said it this way in the song "I Will Sail My Vessel"
Too many times we stand aside,
and let the water slip away.
And what we put off till tomorrow,
has now become today.
So don't you sit apon the shore line,
and say you're satisfied.
Choose the chance to rapids,
and dare to dance the tides.

So go ahead.....Eat a Brownie for your Breakfast!!

A Giveaway!

So...you may or may not know (or care - in which case, I forgive you and we're still BFF's) that I also blog on another fabulous site called "She Just Got Married". They are having a very interesting give-away contest.

Not everyone has the amazing In-Laws that I'm blessed with (**SHAMELESS KISSING UP** in case they ever discover this blog - which could happen because my MIL has suddenly become very techno-savvy - but I'm serious - they're wonderful....I mean, come on...have I ever lied to you before?). Shut up!

Anyway - for the REST of you who are married, engaged or considering 'sealing the deal' FOR-EV-AH and EV-AH - you might want this. So check it out HERE.

If you win you will, most likely, want to invite me over for dinner or name your first child after me but a simple 'thank you' will be just fine. So...in advance - You're welcome!

FFF - FAIL!

Someone lost her camera charger! Not just this week or even last month but more like 3 months ago. I have been leaching off my SIC since then being too cheap to spend the money and actually buy my own when it was so easy just to use hers! But she lives a thousand miles away and even though she knows I'm totally dependent on her at this point - suddenly she's all in my face with "buy your own stupid charger and leave me alone"!

Ok...that's a lie. She'd actually give me hers if I asked for it. I hate that about her....she's so nice - and it makes me look bad. Oh well....there has to be balance in any relationship! :-)

So, here's a picture of me and my hubby. I dress like this every day and when he comes home I let him kiss my hand. Actually, I'm naked but the necklace is fantastic! My hubby has to wear a tux to work because he's very important and most days at lunch, the guys at his office challenge each other to a little ballroom dancing. He has an unfair advantage though because his hair gives me more of an aerodynamic ability to glide across the floor. We lead an extraordinary life and most people are insanely jealous of us.

Why do I lie?? :-)

The Show Hadn't Even Started

You know the phrase "It's not over till the fat lady sings"?

Let's get this one thing straight before I go any further.....My mom is not fat! Quite the opposite. But she did sing - well, she lip-synched - much to our surprise!!

We were at a family wedding this past Saturday. It was a lovely garden wedding. The music was playing through the air as we were all seated in the courtyard listening to the words of 'Ava Maria' or some OPERA song - who cares what the exact song was....I want you to get the picture before I go any further - Got it? Ok...on with the story.

I looked back at the deck that was towering above us. Several people were gathered there - members of the wedding party who would soon make their way down to be seated among the guests. Suddenly, my mom, slightly leaning over the railing of the deck, tossed her arms up like Maria Callas and began pretending she was at the Metropolitan Opera House performing to a sell out crowd of beloved fans.

This definitely confirms why I am the way I am. So, yeah....I have an excuse. She was hysterical - and I wouldn't have her any other way!

Lil ol' me?

An award? For moi? Do I sound at all like Miss Piggy? Trust me...I do a great impersonation of her....and Sharon Osborne....and Jimmy Stewart - I'm off track again, aren't I?
I stand before you and proudly accept this award!! And THANK YOU Miss Newlywed Giggles (she makes me laugh .... not just 'LOL' but L-A-U-G-H~)

So - without further delay I pass this on to FIVE NEW FRIENDS!

(1) Constructive Attitude and her blog Symphonic-Discord - I have much to learn from her life perspective!

(2) JennyMac at Let's Have a Cocktail...love her tag line..."Thirsty for humor? Let's have a cocktail"

(3) The Wife of Riley - she's a Johnny Depp fan...Need I say More?

(4) Jeska00 at Ordered my Days Sunnyside Up
- Because anyone with that attitude is

(5) Connie K at Living My Glamorous Life - her blog is sassy and delicious an she loves the retro look (like..ME!)

I hope you check them ALL OUT!

The rules for accepting this award is as follows…

1. Nominate 5 other bloggers that you feel have become part of your circle of friends in the blogger world

2. Link back to the person who gave you the award in your blog post, to show your appreciation.
3. Comment on their blogs to let them know they’ve received the award.

FFF

You may be saying 'Big Whoop-de-do.....a Canna - everyone has seen a Canna." True dat.

But my husband decided he was going to become Mr. Green Thumb and take over the horticulture portion of our lives. To date he has planted, pruned, cultivated, watered, Miracle-growed (I'm well aware that's not a real word....work with me here) and finally, dug up and thrown away 7 rose bushes. "They don't want to bloom here - FINE (he said in his Tony Soprano voice)....then they're outta here. Capiche?" And he axed them and tossed them with no remorse. I took note of that - and I now make sure he has plenty of mixed nuts and other man food when it's Ohio State Game Day....and I never turn my back to him....and I sleep with one eye open but that's all beside the point, I guess.

Two years went by and I feared the death penalty sentence would be handed down any day. But then...in just the nick of time... a stay of execution was handed down from above!! At last - he was a gardner and this beautiful canna was proof!!

Hot = Healthy?

Don't get me wrong....I love me some yummy carbohydrates and trans fatty calories and if they're wrapped up in a delicious biscuit, brownie, or bodacious waffle sandwich then all the better. BUTT....I'm sorry...I mean - But, if you are attempting to use subliminal advertising to make me think that just because I'm eating a 'hot breakfast' that it equates to HEALTHY then someone slap me before I am brainwashed into believing it!

When the marketing geniuses resort to talking boxes of lonely cereal (you know....that COLD breakfast food - the ones that, at least, have vitamins and minerals added and, when added to milk supply some calcium and Vitamin D) to sway me to the dark side then that's why I say...."Can we get a reality check here people?"

What happened to 'Truth in Advertising'? Tell it like it is!! And guess what...We'll still buy!! And that, my friends, is why Paula Dean should be our next president!! And yes.....I want you to click on the link and see what I'm talking about!! She created this with a warning....."Eat ONE in a lifetime". But hey....she definitely tells it like it is!

Just Go with the Flo!

In my next life I'm going to be Flo, the Progressive Insurance Chick. Did you know her name was Flo? I know because she bought herself a 'tricked out' name badge with the money she saved on her auto insurance.

Sweet.

I want to be that kind of girl....she can wear blue converse tennis shoes AND fire engine red lipstick! The girl has style!

Her smile lights up a room and anyone who comes to see her goes away happy.

Maybe I won't wait until my next life. I'll start with the smile and work my way up to the blue shoes. Not sure I can pull that one off just yet but I do know how to smile!!